Christmas Chaos and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Aaaahhhhhh...a sigh of relief that Christmas is over. We had a great day. Saturday night we went to my brother-in-laws house and had our "Christmas Eve" with them. We usually do it on the actual Christmas eve, but time was tight, and they go to church, so we opted to do it Saturday. My Son got a very cool toy. Or shall I say My husband got a very cool toy. Here "they" are opening it: I think Riley got to play with it once. It is a remote control Hummer that is huge. And bruised the back of my legs, when I got rammed by it. Spoiled rotten daughter got 2 new speaker hook-ups for her ipod. The iLuv that she can travel with, and paperback booked sized one that has incredible sound....I may have to confiscate that one.....My iRiver can hook up to it!!!

Christmas eve we had a nice quiet night at home waiting for Santa. Look at what he left! Presents, and 2 very excited crumb-snatchers!! The next morning, There's Tierney singing Karaoke with her new Singstar game for the PlayStation. (and yes her room looks like the inside of a pyramid or "tomb" as she calls it. And painted by me and my sis. The day she changes her mind about not wanting to be an Egyptologist, she can repaint the room herself!) And then there's my boy trying to ride his new bike in the kitchen.

After very little sleep, and lots of gift opening, I had to get prepared for the masses to arrive.

The menu consisted of: Crown Roast of pork, with Sausage and apple stuffing with a white wine gravy. Roast beef with Au jus. Orange and ginger glazed carrots, (hence the photo of the lobster shaped ginger that my husband brought home) Broccoli cheddar Au Gratin, creamed pearl onions, Twice baked potato casserole (cubed potatoes, bacon, mozz and cheddar cheeses, sour cream and scallions all baked together into 1 big creamy, heaven on earth dish) Yorkshire pudding, and for dessert Pineapple upside down cake and few dozen assorted cookies that I baked the day before. Since there was going to be a crowd, I decided to keep it simple.

My big exciting gifts were a new Canon powershot, (LOVE IT) and a chocolate fountain (DITTO). so while I was cooking and setting my gorgeous table with all my Spode Christmas tablecloths, napkins, and place settings,was anyone taking pictures? NO!! I have to check and see if my Dad got any shots of my "perfect" table, Or the rest of the day for that matter, since I was in the kitchen from the time everyone arrived until it was time to eat. The guest list was as follows:

Me, Jay, Tierney and Riley

My parents

My sister, her boyfriend, his son and some girl who's staying with them for a short time.

My Aunt Ruthann, Uncle Michael and my 17 yr.old cousin Chris. (who is a 2 time black belt and is now a Sensei). I was most worried about Christmas for them this year. 2 years ago, their older son who had just turned 21 and was home on Christmas break, accidentally hung himself on Christmas. Last year they did not celebrate, instead chose to go to Florida. When I invited them this year, I wasn't sure how it would go. They talk about him now, and it's a lot more relaxed, but being that it was "The Day". I didn't know if having fun would be a reminder or a good distraction. Ends up it was a FANTASTIC day for them. They had a great time and so did we. They are one of my closest relatives, this hit my sister and I hard. Here's how it plays out now: We have basically adopted my cousin as a younger brother. We laugh and always have a great time with him, and we know he appreciates it.

So as I'm winding down to getting dinner on the table, The chef comes out in me, and I start barking out orders to my cousin and my sister. I have him making Yorkshire pudding batter and I have my sister making gravies. I'm barking out or dumping ingredients, into both things at once, while trying to get everything else out at the exact same time, so everything is hot. I keep hearing my favorite words, after every command "Yes Chef!" They are quick learners and we get it all done quickly. Dinner is served, hot, and delicious. I can finally relax!!! We enjoyed ourselves tremendously and I had leftovers for days, thank goodness, because wouldn't you know it I wake up the next morning with an UNBELIEVABLE migraine, that kept me bedridden for 2 days. Hence the delay in posting. That and everyone has been home and up my ass to keep them occupied, even though they all have new toys!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight, we've chosen to stay home and have a quiet evening in. I'm doing a Swiss cheese fondue, with homemade bread crouton, sauteed Kielbasa and then we'll move onto the chocolate fountain and dip bananas, marshmallows, and pretzels. YUM!!

I want to say a huge Thanks to those who do read my blog. I love the interaction between people, the laughs, sad stories, the struggles, etc. Connections and friendships have been made that mean the world to me. I hope you all have a great New Year. XXOO -Chefmom (Kelly)

A Summary of my year on the computer

I'm sure many of you have seen this, but I had a really good laugh!

1) I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
2) Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
3) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
4) I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
5) I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
6) I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
7) I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
8) Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
9) Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
10) I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
11) I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their cans.
12) I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
13) And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.
14) I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
15) I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
16) I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
17) I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
18) I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.
19) I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
20) I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
21) Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
22) Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
23) And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
24) Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
25) If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. (lol)

Finally!! And don't be too impressed......

Okay, so it's a disasterpiece like they always are. After wine, some cursing, icing that was too runny, my children standing in the kitchen wondering what happened to their mother and Aunt, and my sister deciding to go all Parliment Funkadelic on me, IT. IS. DONE.

Nothing works better then Hot glue......... I'm ready to smash it and we haven't even started
This is really how my sister feel about the activity.
A much needed beverage break....Sorry Meleah, i should have put a straw in it!
This is how I feel about my sister.......

My children wondering what the heck is going on in the kitchen...they were banned.

I will spare you the rest of the "in the process pix".....

I just couldn't get a great pic of the house lit......the cheap dollar store lights aren't very bright:(

ANd lastly, my sister going all Parliment Funkadelic on me.....

Fun times, Fun times.......Merry Christmas to all!

So it's not finished....

Of course it's not done, I will be finishing it over the next day or so...wait for it......with pictures of the burnt lighthouse.

Tonight, we build.

The whole gingerbread tradition started a few years ago, and every year there's always some major mishap. Like my SISTER dropping the roof. Like Using someone Else's pattern, and NONE of the pieces fitting together properly. I've learned a few things though:
1) Hot Glue works much better then icing. (no one is eating it anyway!!) We just cover the glue with icing.
2) Don't let your sister handle the roof.....or any other important parts for that matter.
3) There is no smell in the world Worse then burnt gingerbread. It lingers for days. No amount of pine scented Febreeze is doing the trick.
4) If it takes more then 1 day to build, nobody but me ends up finishing it.
5) If you ever buy me a gingerbread scented candle, I will lose all manners and re-gift it right back to you immediately.

So far, today's baking has gone WAY to smoothly. Except for the top part of the gingerbread lighthouse being slightly burned, but the top is usually black anyway right? I know that disaster awaits us......I wait for the impending arrival of my sister, and her comments about the smell of burnt gingerbread. Let the games begin. I will post pictures tomorrow, because nobody is leaving this house until it is done tonight!!

Tequila!!

Just for fun

I just couldn't resist posting these, when got these from my Mom this evening........

Shopping with Dad
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does with his time is smoke cigars, cruise around and impress people with tall tales , while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college I rarely see him, and he even buys in to a rumor that I'm a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him any more! You're a senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

Disclaimer: I am in no way partial or impartial to any candidate yet, I just thought this was SO funny!!!

The most creative way to answer the phone. Ever.

I couldn't resist posting this. I've had it for a while, but had forgotten about it, until I heard my husband listening to it last night. I have an even better one for tomorrow. Enjoy!
How to prank a Telemarketer

This is for my Dear Dumb Ass Sister

Aaaaahhhhhh, Christmas love and torture for my sister.....

Here is the lovely Yule log that I made for Sundays Family event. The piece of wood that that my sister thought I was bring to my Aunts. (Who, by the way, DOES NOT have a fireplace) Yeah, she's a genius, I know....This one's for you Blondie :)

So is the Rastafarian, cause he's irresistible:

A Meme: How do you do Christmas

I say this on Meleah's blog and thought I'd play along.....

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper.
2. Real tree or artificial? Artificial, for only the second year, and it's just not the same. I light as many pine scents candles as I can.
3. When do you put up the tree? Today, not sure if I'm going to put ornaments on yet though....gonna let the 2 year old adjust to the tree and then see what happens.
4. When do you take the tree down? Week between Christmas and New Years
5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, but it does not like me.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A Cabbage patch kid....the year they were all the rage. I never thought I would get one and I did!!
7. Do you have a nativity scene? No!
8. Hardest person to buy for?My Mother
9. Easiest person to buy for?My son
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? a shirt from my Grandmother, that I loved, but was like 15 sizes to small. That was they year my Mom took over shopping for her.
11. Mail or E-mail Christmas card?mail
12. Favorite Christmas movie? A White Christmas. Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney.....brings tears instantly
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? A week or so before
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Swiss cheese fondue, with French bread and ham
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Both
17. Favorite Christmas song? Anything by Nat King Cole..weird I know, but very nostaligic
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home
19. Can you name Santa’s reindeer?Yes. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. and Rudolph!!
20. Do you have an angel on top of the tree or a star? Star.
21. Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?Morning. But siblings are allowed to exchange there's Christmas Eve.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Shopping, anywhere thats NOT for online.

Letter to Santa

Someone e-mailed this to me and I couldn't resist posting it!


Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze,but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes,Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet. (you promised me last year you would lose some weight with me so next year you and I could be a cute size two blond...OK, some requests go too far, but none the less.....
Yours Always,
MOM
...P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children, healthy, safe and of course, young enough to always believe in Santa.

Getting in the Mood

I'm trying.....Christmas is quickly creeping up on me and I really haven't done much. I'm having a little bit of trouble getting into the mood, because I have been SO busy. I also live with the biggest Grinch in the world. For him Christmas always Sucked while he was growing up. I try to share my enthusiasm with him and thought the kids would help get him into the mood, but alas, no. This would be the time that I turn to food. Last night I called my sister and asked her if she knew what it was time to do. Silence. Dumb Ass, I said, it is Gingerbread season!! Nothing gets me in the mood more then constructing a work of art (or a disaster-piece) out of gingerbread. The kids love it, I will travel with it to show it off, and it even spends a day at school. I personally wanted to do a trailer park this year, with a spun sugar tornado, and my sister was so excited, but it's not very PC. Damn, another fun-ruin-er. I will attempt to get that started over the next few days. (see some of previous years at www.fortheloveofcakenj.com) Then I move on to Christmas cookies, and fudge. Hundreds of cookies. I could spend days just making cookies. Nothing gives me greater pleasure then the assorted smells of cookies, lingering in the house for days. I just give them away. Enjoy.
This weekend I will be attending a family function and was asked by my very bright sister what I would be bringing. "A Yule Log", I replied proudly. Silence. "You're bringing our Aunt, WOOD? She doesn't even have a fireplace." Oh. My. God. Her blond is showing through. No my dear, I am bringing a Buche de Noel, a log of CAKE, which you eat. And one with which I may beat you over the head with. I figured if I used the correct term, she'd have no clue what it was anyway. No matter, she thinks I'm bring wood.
On to trying to plan Christmas dinner. Our families policy has always been an open door, and all strays are welcome. One just never knows how many strays will come at the last minute. As of now, I'm up to 15. I am having such a hard time trying to decide what to make. I hate sticking with the traditional. I do that for Thanksgiving. I want different, unique, things I haven't made for these people before. But as a chef and foodie, my thoughts are probably far to weird for many of my guests. So for now, I will peruse the websites, cookbooks, and my own recipes for the perfect meal. I will conquer the greatest gingerbread house ever. Possibly a replica of something. Ideas???????
One last thought that I got an order for last night and I am SSSOOOO craving it now. Warm Fudge-filled cheesecake........heaven in a springform pan.

Crazy Busy

This has just been the longest two weeks EVER!! My Husbands grandmother died. Sad, but she lived in Florida and we didn't get to see her often. She was 93, so she loved a good long life.

I have been in cake Hell. Here are some pictures. The original plan for this cake was that I was going to imprint this pineapple crochet design into the fondant. Of course, I wait until the last minute to attempt this and it looked like SHIT. So, i get up the morning of the wedding and pipe all these little designs on. This was a Victorian/contemporary wedding. Sorry, but in my mind, they don't mesh. The bride is a librarian and she was wearing her mother's dress with a crochet overlay, with string in an assortment of colors. Here is the cake with the AWFUL topper, that she bought at a thrift store and added all the flowers to. her mother then crocheted a "dress" for the little bride.....ugh.

Don't ruin my cakes with that crap!!!!! Sorry...I have to vent. Then there was the farm cake, that I got a little crazy with. Throw the "1" in and I need a bigger fridge. So, after delivering all cakes, I fly to my daughters school to help with the Kids Santa Sale. It's pretty cute, but very chaotic. A little shop is set up and the kids can come in and shop for family members, on their own. It's

cute stuff, like things that say Mom or Aunt, sister, etc. I wrapped about a million little gifts, and then came home and CRASHED! Drank wine and was sadly in bed by 10. The reason it's sad it that my parents took both kids for the night, and I couldn't muster the energy to do anything. I did take the time thought to "ELF" my kids, because I loved Meleah's and here it is:

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1123664698

They are so cute, if I do say so myself.

On another note, I am boycotting my local supermarket. I don't care if I have to drive 25 minutes to another one. I'm sure you can guess WHY I'm boycotting. As I walked down an Aisle the other day, who's Nails-on-a-chalkboard-voice comes over the load speaker?! None other then, you guessed it, Rachel-I-Despise-you-so-much-Ray. It is not bad enough that she's on EVERY DAMN cracker box?? Without actually sounding like a death threat, I have to find some way to write to her or the cracker company and let them know how I really feel about her Joker smile, annoying voice, and awful recipes. Have you seen the latest commercial.....and believe me I avoid them at all costs, but since my family members find it HYSTERICAL to blast the TV when she comes on, I have no choice. Who the FUCK (pardon the language) would eat DEVILED HAM SPREAD WITH GREEN OLIVES? I gag just thinking about it. Let's step back into the 21st century Be-otch. Okay, I'm done, that will be my last rant about the witch. I must move on, even though she's everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!

All is good in the world right now

Well, here we are the day before Thanksgiving, and I have to admit it, I am way ahead of the game. My little man is on the mend.....although a little bi-polar with all the meds. That's the only reason I'm starting to lose my mind. The military base has many planes landing today, with some troops coming home, and that makes it a great sound, even if they do sound like they're going to land on my roof. AND I have gotten an amazing amount of cooking done ahead of time! So tomorrows list will read like this:
Wake up.
Stuff Enormous Turkey
Put Enormous Turkey in the oven.
Have first mimosa.
Make sweet potatoes.
Have second mimosa.
Watch my favorite parade of all on TV.
Finish cooking whatever, (at this point mimosas should be kicking in...won't care about much)
Have more Mimosas, wine, etc.
Eat.
Have Husband clean up.
Serve Pear and dried cherry crisp with homemade ice cream.
have Husband clean up again.
All will be right in the world again.

Happy Thanksgiving all!!

Scary....much more scary then a sleepover

This has been the LONGEST week of my life. Last Tuesday evening, my son started to get the symptoms of a cold. Now, for the last year every time he gets a cold, it sets of asthma. They hadn't officially diagnosed it as that, because it had all these stipulations to go with it. Had to be on a steroid a certain number of times, had to have so many attacks, etc. Nothing about it being so bad, that an ER trip was necessary to stop it, and even then, THEY struggled, to get this tiny set of lungs to breathe properly. That all took place in June. Here we are 5 attacks, or colds, later and Tuesday night my son is gasping for breathe and my 8 year old is pointing out the obvious. "MOM, he's turning blue." I gave him 1 treatment, then another, then 2 doses of a steroid, and finally, his light blue hue faded. I had learned not to rush off to the hospital, and just follow the regimen. Yikes. For the next 2 days I counted breathes, checked him temperature, and kept giving him treatments, as I felt he needed them.
Friday morning, he babbled incoherently ( he was sleeping next to me), but didn't move. I thought he was just waking up slowly. I rolled towards him to snuggle him in and saw that his face was flaming red. I tried to wake him. He was barely awake, just muttering things I couldn't understand. I took his temperature and it was 104.5. I'm watching his stomach, as I'm taking his temperature, and he's got a hole so sunken in , on his chest, that I can fit my thumb into it. He was retracting hard. (meaning his diaphragm was working VERY hard to push the breathe in and out of his lungs. I woke Tierney and was out of the house in minutes, dropping her off on my way out for someone else to put her on the bus. We get to the Dr.'s office and low and behold, he's got pneumonia. I feel so guilty. I followed everything to a T! I immediately blame the little girl, that I watch in the morning and afternoon. Her father is newly divorced, a Police Chief, and I feel sorry for her. Except that he's so busy he can't take her to the Dr. and every time she comes over sick, Riley ends up sick and having asthma attacks. She doesn't cover her mouth, plays with his toys, and infests my house with every germ on her. My daughter has become fantastically diligent in hand washing and sanitizing. She hates to see her brother like this. I irritates me to no end, that he uses me like this. (and only pays me at HIS convenience....a whole nother story.) I understand that he has no one else to turn too. But I have explained OVER and OVER the situation with my son. Whatever. Anyway, since Friday, I have administered nebulizer treatments every four hours, even through the night. I feel like a walking zombie. I feel that no amount of sleep could even take me out of this haze. I had a cake to do for someone on Saturday. I made the filling, made the icing, cut the cake into the correct shape, and proceeded to ice and decorate it......without the filling. Thankfully, I knew the family well, and I gave them the filling, on the side and they served it with the cake. And laughed at me. Today we went back, and we have to continue this for a few more days, and then start to decrease it. My own family can't believe that a chef like me hasn't even set the menu for Thanksgiving. You people will be lucky if you even get Turkey. Tease, Tease, Tease...... it's all fun and games until there's nothing to eat! Thankfully, he's on the mend, and we'll be starting a daily treatment to prevent this from progressing to pneumonia again. Sorry about the bitching.....just need to get it all out, and relieve some of the stress and exhaustion. Happy Turkey day, as that's all you'll be getting.

P.s. Damn it! They know I'll pull this fabulous meal out of my ass! Curse the perfectionism in me!!

Oh. My. God.

I am still recovering from what had to be the longest night of my life. To start, Friday night I let the cat out of the bag that I had a surprise guest coming. OOpps. In my wine haze, I thought I was being quiet and Tierney was in the other room. That was the first of excited outbursts. We had just finished her requested Birthday dinner of, Grilled London Broil, Sauteed Tilapia with butter, lemon and herbs de provence, Baked asparagus with crumbled Blue cheese, and Great-Grandmas Baked Macaroni and cheese. (She totally chose this all herself!)

I made sure the surprise guest was coming an hour earlier then everyone else, so T and her friend would have some time to catch up. (she is from where we used to live)The MINUTE Tierney opened her eyes Saturday morning, she wanted to know How many hours until she came. This went on all day, with her announcing every hour how much time was left. Starting to lose my mind at this point. The rest of the guests were coming at 5. At 3:30, I chose to have a relaxing, lets-get-this-over-with glass of wine. At 4 Nina arrived, and Her very cool Mom had brought us another bottle of wine!! Yea! We were off to a good start. At exactly 5, one after another they marched in, bouncing off the walls. Moms left phone numbers, were they would be (of course they were all running for the hills, laughing at me) and poof were gone. More wine. We ordered pizza in the midst of the yelling and running and torturing the 2 year old. A quick flurry of gift opening and then the first argument. One of the girls had brought a game that nobody knew how to play, and my son wanted to take the pieces and run. She pouted for about an hour. I have no patience for that kind of drama. I very nicely told her it would be a long night, if she kept it up and she was welcome to go home, if she was that mad. (I'm really good friends with her Mom, so I knew I could torture her.) After a very short silence, while pizza was being inhaled, ( and oh my god, how do 5 girls eat 2 whole pizzas?) we moved on to what may have been my stupidest idea of the evening. I was going to to teach them cake decorating. Armed with Pastry bags, tons of sprinkles, and 2 dozen cupcakes, we were off.

I tried, I really did. A few made roses with my help, and then they all moved on to sprinkles. Needless to say, there was a carpet of sprinkles on the kitchen floor within minutes.

Here is T trying to make a rose:

Here is my Husband LOSING his mind with all the sprinkles everywhere.

I nipped the project in the bud as quickly as possible. Got them all into her room, put on a movie and though we were on our way to relaxing. Wrong. There were 3 very strong personalities there and they just fought over every little bit of attention. At this point my husband had taken my son to our room to try and get him to sleep with all the noise. He NEVER came back out. I thought that dirty rat had bailed on me and had left me to sink or swim!!!! Little did I know that every time they jumped or screamed they woke my son. I was starting to lose it. I made popcorn, two got into an argument and 1 decided to go home. (The pouter from earlier, who I didn't expect to make through the night anyway.) Made the call, and she was gone. Drama over and down 1. They finally started to settled down around 11, and another cam out crying. Every time she closed her eyes, she thought of her mom. Her mom had gone to a concert, so her Uncle was on Stand-by, but she didn't want to go there because it was boring. I nicely explained that she'd just end up going right to sleep anyway if she went there. She decided to go back in the room with the girls and was back out within a half an hour. Ninny me said, let's get your pillow and you can try to fall asleep here on the couch. I'll stay right here with you. 12, 12:30 and she finally fell asleep. At this point, I couldn't move her. I admit to having a few glasses of wine and figured, I'd walk into the room, trip on all the other girls, drop her, go down myself, and all hell would break loose. So what do I do???? I decide to sleep upright in the chair next to her!! at 3:30, I was still awake. At 4 I tried the floor. At 4:30, I gave up. I was worried that she'd wake up and have a moment of panic. The "where am I" fear.

I went to bed, and at 5 am, minutes after I had fallen asleep, our STUPID 25 lb. cat named "Tinkerbell" was scratching at our door. I finally gave up. Let her in, slept for an hour and everyone was up and ready for bacon, sausage and pancakes at 6. So, let's rehash........I slept for AN HOUR!!! I made breakfast, and had stupidly told parents pick up was 10 am, thinking the girls would sleep late, having been up late. They were done eating by 8:15 and proceeded to make a huge pile of pillows and blankets in the middle of my daughters floor and jump from her bed to the pile. I popped a xanax, sat down with my coffee and counted the minutes until I could sleep. My husband, who was in bed with my son at 8:30 said, oh you can just go to bed when everyone leaves, I'll take care of everything today. Everyone left and what does he do...???? "oh, can I just blow out the gutters really fast?" and then "Can I mow really fast?". That turned into a disaster, the mower wasn't working he came in the house, tried to reach something on the highest shelf in the laundry room, and proceeded to pull the entire shelf down. He ran out the door and left me, almost in tears cleaning up. (The neighbor was outside trying to "help". Idiots. FINALLY at 1 pm, I dragged myself to the bed and crashed. Of course Mommy can't nap ALONE, so my 2 year old slept with me. When he woke up I just yelled for someone to come get him and I went back to sleep. I still don't think I have recovered.....

NEVER AGAIN.

Feeling a little old

So, it's 9:26 Friday night, November 9, 2007. 8 years, 3 hours and 17 minutes ago, I welcomed my 9 lb. 1oz. (yes, huge and born early) baby girl into the world. How can I, at the age of 33 have an 8 year old? And by my life's plan at the early age of god knows when, I wanted six kids. Crazy?! Yes. I guess that was pre-prozac, pre-xanax, and pre-vodka. I did spend a short period of time as a nanny and loved it. But only because I could LEAVE, at the end of the day, with no children. I love my kids, more then I ever thought I could. Tonight, a friend came by and wanted to know the story about Tierney's birth. My husband always wanted the TV/Movie scenario, where I said "It's Time!". ( He did get it with the second child) Instead I cursed him out about not needing the fucking bag for the hospital, because it was not HAPPENING TODAY!! Needless to say, the Dr. said "Do you have your bag? Today's the day! I think the baby's going to be big." ASSHOLE! What Dr. in their right mind sends a first time mother to the hospital thinking their about to give birth to a HUGE baby??!! I'm feeling old. 33 with an 8 year old. I seem so young compared to the Fem-Bots. I was a defiant young girl from as early as I possibly could get away with it. I see her heading in the same direction, and don't know how to handle her. My parents were BEYOND strict and that's why I rebeled. Anywho...here's to my girl, now 8......all growed up.... Cheers baby girl, Mommy raises a glass of wine and yummy cake to you :)

The First and most likely the Last

My darling Daughter is turning on 8 on Friday. This year for her Birthday we gave her a choice. Find some Hokey place to have the party, invite a lot of friends, spend a fortune or Choose a select few (a few turned into 4) to sleep over and we would give her Money to shop to her hearts content ( a limited amount of money). She choose, drum roll please...the sleepover. UUUGGGHHHH, my stomach dropped. I am hoping that this teaches her 1) the value of money. How far an amount will really go. 1 big thing or lots of little things. Her choice. 2) That Mom really doesn't like sleepovers. I know that 1 child will not be spending the night. She doesn't do well, and I told her she could stay until 10 or so and then come back for breakfast in the morning. She only lives down the street, so it's no big deal. Another one may end up doing the same. Which leaves 1 quiet child and 1 very hyper one. I don't deal well with the crying at midnight. I know it sounds horrible, but I don't have the patience. I don't mean to sound heartless, but just tell me you want to go home and it's done. Easy enough. No Drama needed.
I am also a person that needs sleep and sleepovers don't allow that. AND I stupidly planned this in the middle of a 5 day weekend!!! AM I CRAZY? I guess it will give me time to recover, but it totally throws my routine off. Here is how I plan to have the evening to go:
5:00- everyone arrives.
5:05 -first shot of vodka for Mom
5:30- pizza. Originally I was going to make dough and do "make your own"...came to my senses on that one!!
5:40 -while they're eating, second and third shot of vodka for mom...possibly one for Dad at that point too.
6:00- go destroy Tierney's room time.
6:02-6:30 eat pizza myself and drink one very dirty martini
7:00- decorate you own cupcake time- not sure if this or make your own pizza would be worse. 1 quick cake decorating lesson and they are on their own.
7:45- Now that the sugar high has kicked in, time for Dirty martini#2.
8:00- Popcorn and a movie time for the kids, and by this point, I will probably have to FIND my husband. I know he has big plans an staying scarce during this party...think again buddy!
10:00 -kick out the ones that aren't staying, Give the lecture on the fact that a 2 year old sleeps in this house too and the first one to wake him will be sleeping in his bed with him.
10:10- kick up my feet, ignore the hell hole that was once my beautiful kitchen and drink Dirty Martini#3.
The next morning, I will get up, make them a lovely breakfast and promptly kick them all out.

I'll keep you posted on how it REALLY goes.

I am going to Bitch....

I have since the day I saw her, hated her cheeky, round unbelievably annoying face. I hate the way she speaks, I hate the way she abbreviates everything or makes up some stupid word, that's in every commercial she is in. As I walk down the supermarket aisles now, She god awful grin is staring me in the face. I now boycott any product she promotes. And damn it, I like the iced coffee, but she ruined it for me. Her name is so hard for me to even write, let alone say. The Bitches name is RRRR.....Rachel. Ray. There are many reasons that I despise her. She has no professional training. She did work in a deli or something growing up, and her Mom was in the food industry somehow. The only reason I know these stupid facts are that my family thinks it is HYSTERICAL to send me links, pictures, articles etc. about her. About 2 years ago, they even went so far as to buy me a Cookbook by her, for my Birthday. I am a huge birthday person, love them, love to celebrate them, love to make unforgettable cakes for them. After opening this "gift", I held by the corner of the book, afraid to touch it. Almost like one would hold a dead rat by the tail. I proceeded to flip through it and make fun of every recipe. I'm sorry folks, but do you really not know how to make a yogurt parfait? She actually had a recipe for layering store bought yogurt, granola and fruit in a glass. Hello??? For a lot people, all mixed together, it's called "breakfast". Needless to say, I grilled the book practically to ashes and put it on a platter for the to eat. No dinner and a very sucky Birthday that year. I think they learned their lesson.
Now you could be read this and say "oh Kell's just jealous". No jealousy here. Major Annoyance. How does the public get so sucked in, that she now she has lines of knives, and pots and a magazine and show! Every cooking catalog, magazine, major publication has her nappy face on it somewhere. I have heard through the show biz world (My dad is involved) that she has so many rules when you come to see her show. You can't wear certain colors and no prints. No jeans, etc. You can't ask questions pertaining to anything but cooking. It's all about her and her big fucking ego. I guess what erks me the most is that us Little people who went to culinary school, worked our asses off, (and as a woman, was usually the major minority in the all male kitchens.....you'd better be able to keep up in that world, or the big boys will crush you on purpose) made our way up in the kitchen Hierarchy, deserve some credit. What does she have that I don't? I taught cooking classes, I could have a show......I have classical French training!! And yes, I will admit that I do cut corners. Feeding children is completely different. I will buy spaghettios, and Kraft Mac and Cheese. They are kids.....they eat like kids. They will eat some bizarre things for kids, like hummus, Baba ganoush, My daughter can eat an entire piece of prime rib. My 2 years is a cheese connoisseur. Throw a slab of ribs on my daughters plate and it's gone in minutes.
That's my Bitch. The Bitch is ruining all that I love. This blog was created because I just got my favorite Kitchen catalog and low and behold she has invaded another of my favorite spaces. I will say it, and they do have a website for R.R haters.

I. HATE. RACHEL. RAY.
I feel better now, Thanks.

And we have a winner!

At the end of the LOUDEST and most obnoxious pep rally I've ever been too, Tierney did win princess for her squad. I have to say I am proud.. She did a fantastic job leading the cheers and the dance that night. Congratulations Sweet Girl!!

Being a Mom should not be like high school

I'm writing this post, because one of my favorite bloggers made a good point about snooty Moms excluding other Moms they don't want to help with a Festival. I thought we left cliques behind in High school. I have found that a lot of Mothers base who they are, or where they stand in the hierarchy of school help, by how much they can take on. Thus making themselves look like supermoms. They are like Fem bots.....Stepford Mothers, if you will. They must think that those of us, who choose to help with things for the sake of our CHILDREN, not our status, are just lame mothers. I'm sorry, but I see it as the reverse. I will admit that I am PTO secretary at my daughters school. The only reason I took that on, is that I don't think the school does enough activities to instill school pride, or activities that help families spend time together. In this fast paced, get it done ASAP age, I think those things are lost. Kids are over scheduled and don't have time for fun. And that's just during the school day! Not to mention, if they like to play a sport, that's additional time. And I say LIKE to play a sport, not be forced to play, because it makes their Mother looks good. " Oh, So and so has piano on Monday, and soccer on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, and swimming on Wednesday, and blah, blah, blah." Do you know what I would LOVE to say someday to one of those Mothers? "Honey, you're not complaining, you're bragging. Do you really think you're creating this well rounded child, or someone who resents you for not allowing them any free time? Come talk to me when they hit the teenage years, and let me know what rehab center they're in, so I can send you an I told-you-so card. Once they can't handle the pressure anymore and resort to some drug that will keep them going constantly, let me hear you brag about the rehab bills, money they stole from you and how you basically have no idea who your child really is." WOULDN'T THAT FEEL FANTASTIC???? They look on their plastic faces would be so priceless, I would be sure to snap a pic with my phone.
Now on the other end, My daughter is a cheerleader. (I wasn't thrilled, trust me.....I was the volleyball, diving, field hockey type.) Tonight is the Pep Rally/ Homecoming. And at the age of 8, they choose a Princess, to follow the homecoming queen. Don't get wrong, I think my daughter deserves to win it. She goes to practices and games, tries her hardest, and doesn't complain. But truthfully, I am praying that she doesn't get it. First off, their coach asked them to vote. At the age of 8, a name should have been pulled from a hat. They don't know who they're voting for!! They're just picking any name they know. I don't want her to win, because I think it promotes that "Popularity" contest. Also, her very best friend is on the squad and I do not want some silly princess title to come between their friendship. And you know damn well it will. Vice Verse if her friend wins. I have told her she should be happy and proud of her friend, but I know, she'll be crushed. No matter how many times she tells me she won't give her friend an attitude, I know she will. Unfortunately, another Mother overheard a coach last night and she seems to think my daughter has won it. I am dreading this evening.....
That's my vent for the day....I'll post what happens tomorrow.
P.s. It's cranberry season! Time to bake! Think cranberries and pears, port, Stilton cheese.....mmmm. I may have to post a recipe.......

One of those days

I'm just having "one of those days". My 2 year old won't stop whining, (and by whining, I mean screeching at the top of his lungs.) My soon to 8, (going 16 ) year old is pissed off becuase I made her come home from her friends house early. Why did I make her come home??? Because for the second week in a row, my husbands piece-of-crap-car has died, and we need to go get him. While he sits at my parents and drinks beer, I throw together a dinner or pork fried rice and veggie egg rolls and potstickers. Yum! My daughter has my tastes, she loves a wide variety of ethnic foods. Asian being her favorite. My son on the other hand is screaming for M&M's. I am sorry, this restaurant does not serve them for DINNER!!!! I offer a world of his favorites: Hummus, Homemade veggie chips, cheese of assorted flavors, on lovely sesame rice crackers. PB and J for pete's sake!!! Nothing. Don't eat then.

How on earth, does a chef/mom end up with 2 completely different tastes? I guess it's like the battle of the sexes, male vs. female. Bad eater vs. Good eater. Me vs. Them. Tonight me and a glass of red, bold legged wine win. After I drive 40 minutes and put everyone to bed. I don't think this counts as winning.

Winning to me would be peace and quiet. I would even consider using the erotic sense of eating in the dark. (and I mean pitch Black) Simple starter: pumpkin soup with coriander and creme frache. Imagine picking up you spoon, (yes you'd know exactly where it was in the dark!!) and sipping from it, a warm, smooth yet creamy, fall-feeling inducing soup. Imagine not knowing at first, what you where having. Would you be able to tell what it was? Pumpkin is distinct. Coriander.....maybe not. The feeling of Fall, cold weather and Halloween? YES!!! Next course: Crispy fried Duck, wrapped in a warm tortilla with plum sauce, scallions and a hint or orange zest. All sense tingling from the crispy, tart, warm, pungent taste. Eat it, savor it, feel it with your tongue.....in the dark, it would be beyond unique. Remember, you have 1 or your 5 senses has been removed, so your other 4 are heightened almost to orgasmic pleasure. Next would be baked brie. Wrapped in flaky, crispy puff pastry, with Raspberry Coulis drizzled over the brie and and served with simple plain wheat crackers, so that all you taste is the creamy brie and the fruity, tart Raspberry sauce. Finally I would choose and entree that would be simple, yet distinct. Chicken crepes. A smooth Veloute sauce with chopped roasted chicken and medley of veggies. Baked till bubbly and , yet the crepes still crisp. Dessert would be the big finale. Caramel apple pizza with homemade cinnamon ice cream. Hot gooey sweet dough with sliced apples and caramel. Grilled would add to the flavor even more. Would you be able to tell the difference between grilled and baked? Top with creamy ice cream and it would be heaven!!
Okay, now that I have had a fantastic dinner in my head, I'm off to battle with the warriors......Onward!!!!