Monday, December 31, 2007

Christmas Chaos and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Aaaahhhhhh...a sigh of relief that Christmas is over. We had a great day. Saturday night we went to my brother-in-laws house and had our "Christmas Eve" with them. We usually do it on the actual Christmas eve, but time was tight, and they go to church, so we opted to do it Saturday. My Son got a very cool toy. Or shall I say My husband got a very cool toy. Here "they" are opening it: I think Riley got to play with it once. It is a remote control Hummer that is huge. And bruised the back of my legs, when I got rammed by it. Spoiled rotten daughter got 2 new speaker hook-ups for her ipod. The iLuv that she can travel with, and paperback booked sized one that has incredible sound....I may have to confiscate that one.....My iRiver can hook up to it!!!

Christmas eve we had a nice quiet night at home waiting for Santa. Look at what he left! Presents, and 2 very excited crumb-snatchers!! The next morning, There's Tierney singing Karaoke with her new Singstar game for the PlayStation. (and yes her room looks like the inside of a pyramid or "tomb" as she calls it. And painted by me and my sis. The day she changes her mind about not wanting to be an Egyptologist, she can repaint the room herself!) And then there's my boy trying to ride his new bike in the kitchen.

After very little sleep, and lots of gift opening, I had to get prepared for the masses to arrive.
The menu consisted of: Crown Roast of pork, with Sausage and apple stuffing with a white wine gravy. Roast beef with Au jus. Orange and ginger glazed carrots, (hence the photo of the lobster shaped ginger that my husband brought home) Broccoli cheddar Au Gratin, creamed pearl onions, Twice baked potato casserole (cubed potatoes, bacon, mozz and cheddar cheeses, sour cream and scallions all baked together into 1 big creamy, heaven on earth dish) Yorkshire pudding, and for dessert Pineapple upside down cake and few dozen assorted cookies that I baked the day before. Since there was going to be a crowd, I decided to keep it simple.

My big exciting gifts were a new Canon powershot, (LOVE IT) and a chocolate fountain (DITTO). so while I was cooking and setting my gorgeous table with all my Spode Christmas tablecloths, napkins, and place settings,was anyone taking pictures? NO!! I have to check and see if my Dad got any shots of my "perfect" table, Or the rest of the day for that matter, since I was in the kitchen from the time everyone arrived until it was time to eat. The guest list was as follows:
Me, Jay, Tierney and Riley
My parents
My sister, her boyfriend, his son and some girl who's staying with them for a short time.
My Aunt Ruthann, Uncle Michael and my 17 yr.old cousin Chris. (who is a 2 time black belt and is now a Sensei). I was most worried about Christmas for them this year. 2 years ago, their older son who had just turned 21 and was home on Christmas break, accidentally hung himself on Christmas. Last year they did not celebrate, instead chose to go to Florida. When I invited them this year, I wasn't sure how it would go. They talk about him now, and it's a lot more relaxed, but being that it was "The Day". I didn't know if having fun would be a reminder or a good distraction. Ends up it was a FANTASTIC day for them. They had a great time and so did we. They are one of my closest relatives, this hit my sister and I hard. Here's how it plays out now: We have basically adopted my cousin as a younger brother. We laugh and always have a great time with him, and we know he appreciates it.

So as I'm winding down to getting dinner on the table, The chef comes out in me, and I start barking out orders to my cousin and my sister. I have him making Yorkshire pudding batter and I have my sister making gravies. I'm barking out or dumping ingredients, into both things at once, while trying to get everything else out at the exact same time, so everything is hot. I keep hearing my favorite words, after every command "Yes Chef!" They are quick learners and we get it all done quickly. Dinner is served, hot, and delicious. I can finally relax!!! We enjoyed ourselves tremendously and I had leftovers for days, thank goodness, because wouldn't you know it I wake up the next morning with an UNBELIEVABLE migraine, that kept me bedridden for 2 days. Hence the delay in posting. That and everyone has been home and up my ass to keep them occupied, even though they all have new toys!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight, we've chosen to stay home and have a quiet evening in. I'm doing a Swiss cheese fondue, with homemade bread crouton, sauteed Kielbasa and then we'll move onto the chocolate fountain and dip bananas, marshmallows, and pretzels. YUM!!

I want to say a huge Thanks to those who do read my blog. I love the interaction between people, the laughs, sad stories, the struggles, etc. Connections and friendships have been made that mean the world to me. I hope you all have a great New Year. XXOO -Chefmom (Kelly)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

A Summary of my year on the computer

I'm sure many of you have seen this, but I had a really good laugh!

1) I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
2) Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
3) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
4) I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
5) I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
6) I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
7) I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
8) Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
9) Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
10) I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
11) I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their cans.
12) I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
13) And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.
14) I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
15) I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
16) I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
17) I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
18) I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.
19) I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
20) I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
21) Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
22) Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
23) And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
24) Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
25) If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. (lol)

Friday, December 21, 2007

Finally!! And don't be too impressed......

Okay, so it's a disasterpiece like they always are. After wine, some cursing, icing that was too runny, my children standing in the kitchen wondering what happened to their mother and Aunt, and my sister deciding to go all Parliment Funkadelic on me, IT. IS. DONE.

Nothing works better then Hot glue......... I'm ready to smash it and we haven't even started
This is really how my sister feel about the activity.
A much needed beverage break....Sorry Meleah, i should have put a straw in it!
This is how I feel about my sister.......

My children wondering what the heck is going on in the kitchen...they were banned.

I will spare you the rest of the "in the process pix".....
I just couldn't get a great pic of the house lit......the cheap dollar store lights aren't very bright:(
ANd lastly, my sister going all Parliment Funkadelic on me.....
Fun times, Fun times.......Merry Christmas to all!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

So it's not finished....

Of course it's not done, I will be finishing it over the next day or so...wait for it......with pictures of the burnt lighthouse.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tonight, we build.

The whole gingerbread tradition started a few years ago, and every year there's always some major mishap. Like my SISTER dropping the roof. Like Using someone Else's pattern, and NONE of the pieces fitting together properly. I've learned a few things though:
1) Hot Glue works much better then icing. (no one is eating it anyway!!) We just cover the glue with icing.
2) Don't let your sister handle the roof.....or any other important parts for that matter.
3) There is no smell in the world Worse then burnt gingerbread. It lingers for days. No amount of pine scented Febreeze is doing the trick.
4) If it takes more then 1 day to build, nobody but me ends up finishing it.
5) If you ever buy me a gingerbread scented candle, I will lose all manners and re-gift it right back to you immediately.

So far, today's baking has gone WAY to smoothly. Except for the top part of the gingerbread lighthouse being slightly burned, but the top is usually black anyway right? I know that disaster awaits us......I wait for the impending arrival of my sister, and her comments about the smell of burnt gingerbread. Let the games begin. I will post pictures tomorrow, because nobody is leaving this house until it is done tonight!!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Just for fun

I just couldn't resist posting these, when got these from my Mom this evening........

Shopping with Dad
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does with his time is smoke cigars, cruise around and impress people with tall tales , while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college I rarely see him, and he even buys in to a rumor that I'm a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him any more! You're a senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

Disclaimer: I am in no way partial or impartial to any candidate yet, I just thought this was SO funny!!!

The most creative way to answer the phone. Ever.

I couldn't resist posting this. I've had it for a while, but had forgotten about it, until I heard my husband listening to it last night. I have an even better one for tomorrow. Enjoy!
How to prank a Telemarketer

Monday, December 10, 2007

This is for my Dear Dumb Ass Sister

Aaaaahhhhhh, Christmas love and torture for my sister.....

Here is the lovely Yule log that I made for Sundays Family event. The piece of wood that that my sister thought I was bring to my Aunts. (Who, by the way, DOES NOT have a fireplace) Yeah, she's a genius, I know....This one's for you Blondie :)

So is the Rastafarian, cause he's irresistible:

A Meme: How do you do Christmas

I say this on Meleah's blog and thought I'd play along.....

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper.
2. Real tree or artificial? Artificial, for only the second year, and it's just not the same. I light as many pine scents candles as I can.
3. When do you put up the tree? Today, not sure if I'm going to put ornaments on yet though....gonna let the 2 year old adjust to the tree and then see what happens.
4. When do you take the tree down? Week between Christmas and New Years
5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, but it does not like me.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A Cabbage patch kid....the year they were all the rage. I never thought I would get one and I did!!
7. Do you have a nativity scene? No!
8. Hardest person to buy for?My Mother
9. Easiest person to buy for?My son
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? a shirt from my Grandmother, that I loved, but was like 15 sizes to small. That was they year my Mom took over shopping for her.
11. Mail or E-mail Christmas card?mail
12. Favorite Christmas movie? A White Christmas. Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney.....brings tears instantly
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? A week or so before
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Swiss cheese fondue, with French bread and ham
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Both
17. Favorite Christmas song? Anything by Nat King Cole..weird I know, but very nostaligic
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home
19. Can you name Santa’s reindeer?Yes. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. and Rudolph!!
20. Do you have an angel on top of the tree or a star? Star.
21. Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?Morning. But siblings are allowed to exchange there's Christmas Eve.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Shopping, anywhere thats NOT for online.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Letter to Santa

Someone e-mailed this to me and I couldn't resist posting it!

Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze,but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes,Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet. (you promised me last year you would lose some weight with me so next year you and I could be a cute size two blond...OK, some requests go too far, but none the less.....
Yours Always,
...P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children, healthy, safe and of course, young enough to always believe in Santa.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Getting in the Mood

I'm trying.....Christmas is quickly creeping up on me and I really haven't done much. I'm having a little bit of trouble getting into the mood, because I have been SO busy. I also live with the biggest Grinch in the world. For him Christmas always Sucked while he was growing up. I try to share my enthusiasm with him and thought the kids would help get him into the mood, but alas, no. This would be the time that I turn to food. Last night I called my sister and asked her if she knew what it was time to do. Silence. Dumb Ass, I said, it is Gingerbread season!! Nothing gets me in the mood more then constructing a work of art (or a disaster-piece) out of gingerbread. The kids love it, I will travel with it to show it off, and it even spends a day at school. I personally wanted to do a trailer park this year, with a spun sugar tornado, and my sister was so excited, but it's not very PC. Damn, another fun-ruin-er. I will attempt to get that started over the next few days. (see some of previous years at Then I move on to Christmas cookies, and fudge. Hundreds of cookies. I could spend days just making cookies. Nothing gives me greater pleasure then the assorted smells of cookies, lingering in the house for days. I just give them away. Enjoy.
This weekend I will be attending a family function and was asked by my very bright sister what I would be bringing. "A Yule Log", I replied proudly. Silence. "You're bringing our Aunt, WOOD? She doesn't even have a fireplace." Oh. My. God. Her blond is showing through. No my dear, I am bringing a Buche de Noel, a log of CAKE, which you eat. And one with which I may beat you over the head with. I figured if I used the correct term, she'd have no clue what it was anyway. No matter, she thinks I'm bring wood.
On to trying to plan Christmas dinner. Our families policy has always been an open door, and all strays are welcome. One just never knows how many strays will come at the last minute. As of now, I'm up to 15. I am having such a hard time trying to decide what to make. I hate sticking with the traditional. I do that for Thanksgiving. I want different, unique, things I haven't made for these people before. But as a chef and foodie, my thoughts are probably far to weird for many of my guests. So for now, I will peruse the websites, cookbooks, and my own recipes for the perfect meal. I will conquer the greatest gingerbread house ever. Possibly a replica of something. Ideas???????
One last thought that I got an order for last night and I am SSSOOOO craving it now. Warm Fudge-filled cheesecake........heaven in a springform pan.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Crazy Busy

This has just been the longest two weeks EVER!! My Husbands grandmother died. Sad, but she lived in Florida and we didn't get to see her often. She was 93, so she loved a good long life.

I have been in cake Hell. Here are some pictures. The original plan for this cake was that I was going to imprint this pineapple crochet design into the fondant. Of course, I wait until the last minute to attempt this and it looked like SHIT. So, i get up the morning of the wedding and pipe all these little designs on. This was a Victorian/contemporary wedding. Sorry, but in my mind, they don't mesh. The bride is a librarian and she was wearing her mother's dress with a crochet overlay, with string in an assortment of colors. Here is the cake with the AWFUL topper, that she bought at a thrift store and added all the flowers to. her mother then crocheted a "dress" for the little bride.....ugh.

Don't ruin my cakes with that crap!!!!! Sorry...I have to vent. Then there was the farm cake, that I got a little crazy with. Throw the "1" in and I need a bigger fridge. So, after delivering all cakes, I fly to my daughters school to help with the Kids Santa Sale. It's pretty cute, but very chaotic. A little shop is set up and the kids can come in and shop for family members, on their own. It's

cute stuff, like things that say Mom or Aunt, sister, etc. I wrapped about a million little gifts, and then came home and CRASHED! Drank wine and was sadly in bed by 10. The reason it's sad it that my parents took both kids for the night, and I couldn't muster the energy to do anything. I did take the time thought to "ELF" my kids, because I loved Meleah's and here it is:

They are so cute, if I do say so myself.

On another note, I am boycotting my local supermarket. I don't care if I have to drive 25 minutes to another one. I'm sure you can guess WHY I'm boycotting. As I walked down an Aisle the other day, who's Nails-on-a-chalkboard-voice comes over the load speaker?! None other then, you guessed it, Rachel-I-Despise-you-so-much-Ray. It is not bad enough that she's on EVERY DAMN cracker box?? Without actually sounding like a death threat, I have to find some way to write to her or the cracker company and let them know how I really feel about her Joker smile, annoying voice, and awful recipes. Have you seen the latest commercial.....and believe me I avoid them at all costs, but since my family members find it HYSTERICAL to blast the TV when she comes on, I have no choice. Who the FUCK (pardon the language) would eat DEVILED HAM SPREAD WITH GREEN OLIVES? I gag just thinking about it. Let's step back into the 21st century Be-otch. Okay, I'm done, that will be my last rant about the witch. I must move on, even though she's everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!