Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I'm just sayin'...consider it

Now, I'm not going to get all political on you, BUT if you don't want the world to come to an end, don't vote for Mitt Romney. I am not religious, and I have to say it is because of the Mormons. I was for a very short period of time, and it is a cult. Horrible experiences, that I'd really like to black out.
Anywho, Let me tell you what will happen if a MORMON makes it to the white house.

1) We'll all have to wear special underwear called garments. Not more thongs, Lacy boy shorts, etc. Granny panties all the way. Victoria's Secret will become an underground store. Think black market lingerie. A man approaches you, opens his overcoat and has all kinds of Lacy things hanging on the inside. It will be one of those "meet me in a dark alley, if you want those red panties." moments.
2) Every last drop of caffeine will be removed from the earth. No Small World. No Caramel Macchiatos, no Coke with lime. You get the picture.
3) No smoking. Anything.
4) Before any worldly decision is made, Romney will have to consult his "prophet". Some guy who's name was pulled out of a hat by 12 other guys and Viola, he's an all knowing, all seeing "prophet", who's just going to use Romney as his puppet to rule the world.
5) Ladies, the worst of it is for us. We're seen as child bearing vessels, who must cover almost every inch of our bodies in clothing. Practically a Burka. If you work, you'll be fired and will be confined to your house to do "Woman's work."
6) Tom Cruise will move to mars, because he and his Scientolobot wife and Scientolotot won't stand for the changes. Wait, that's a good thing.
7)NO ALCOHOL. Think Prohibition, only worse. All the alcoholic starlets will get the dt's, and stop making movies. Oh wait, that doesn't matter, only G movies will be made from now on.
8) Some freaky Future teller of the church,(Seriously there really is one) will basically tell us all that we're going to hell, because we haven't been following the word of God for our whole lives. There might be a slight chance that you'll get into one of their three levels of heaven. We're talking slim chance people.
9) If you ever go to Utah, don't plan on coming back. You get off the plane, they brainwash you before you even get out of the airport, and you're forever trapped in a world of Stepford Mormons. They'll expect you to start breeding mini-Mormons immediately.
10) Everywhere you go there will missionaries in black pants and white shirts. We'd call them the "morality police". But they'd call it "spreading the "good word".
11) If you get married, it will take place in a creepy room, in some big temple, with only You, your spouse and some guy who I really think just wants to watch you procreate for the first time. No one is allowed to discuss this ceremony. I'm telling you it's some bizarre threesome.

Which leads me to #12......NO SEX. No Pleasure sex, only Procreation Sex. Basically a wham-bam-thank-you-Mame-now-your-knocked-up.

So, If you'd like your world to stay somewhat the same, DON'T VOTE FOR THE MORMON!

Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just telling it like it is.....

15 comments:

meleah rebeccah said...

NO ALCOHOL?


Shoot Me....In the FACE.

chefmom said...

NO ALCOHOL! I'm telling you, they are a freaky bunch...

Tempered Woman said...

heheh- you forgot about sharing your husband. I figure they'll come out of the closet on this one whole hog if they get the presidency and quit acting like they "frown" upon this in the church now.
I can confirm you aren't kidding about any fo these LDS traditions but I 1)don't think Mitt would have the balls to do most of it and 2) am having a very hard time deciding who to vote for right now and keep thinking Mitt might not be so bad with the economy the way it is right now. (I play a political chef on my blog by the way)

chefmom said...

tempered woman: LOL!! I can't believe I forgot the most important point of all!!!!! I agree, Mitt wouldn't have the balls to do most of it, but hey, I girl can prepare the rest of the world just incase right? I won't be voting for Mitt, but I'm torn otherwise and we'll be voting next week. I LOVE your blog. I only have a few minutes now, but I intend to explore it throughly, 'cause you look like an excellent chef :)

The Beginning of the Middle of the End said...

Oh how I remember those days of you as a Mormon. I remember your baptism! My god.... what the hell were you thinking? Dumbass.
Of course I also remember the elders trying to convert me. thank god I was smarter than you.....
Love, your smarter sister

Michael C said...

I am scared now...very scared. shaking in my boots scared. Can I still wear boots?

On a lighter note: On THe Food Network's Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives last night they profiled New Jersey places. Have you eaten at any of them? I love that show!

chefmom said...

OH sister of mine...don't start with me. And you're not smarter, you're only #1. to those yof your that don't know, that basically means F*#$k You. I was young!!!

Michael C: Be afraid, be very afraid!!! I think boots are alound, since they cover a good part of your body. As for Diner, Drive-Ins and Dives, yes, I have eaten at 2. We used to live in Hightstown, and my sister (pain in the ass that she is) lives down the street from the Hightstown Diner, and remembers when they filmed the episode. Also, we've had the orange martini with Tang at the Skylark in Edison. YUM doesn't even come close to describing it. It goes down WAY to smoothly. See? another thing you might miss out on, due a Mormon president. Keep your boots on buddy :)

chefmom said...

WOW! Glass of wine went to my head...Instead of saying this: "to those yof your that don't know, that basically means F*#$k You"
I meant to say "to those of you that don't know, that basically means F*#!K You." And double that since I messed up typing...it's always your fault LITTLE sister.

meleah rebeccah said...

lol @ michael's comment

someGirl said...

I bet Mitt Romney enjoys hours of internet porn while putting on a caramel macchiato caffeine patch just under his lacy Victoria Secret panties...And after all that exhaustive work, he enjoys taking strolls in his nudist compound while sipping on apple Martini's....

chefmom said...

Somegirl: HA! I bet you're right!! Oh my god, that is sofa king funny!!

meleah rebeccah said...

HA HA HA

chef mom is using sofa king! sweeeer

chefmom said...

Meleah: I so stole that from you, 'cause I love the way it sounds!

Hannah said...

Hey we have soemthing else in common. I was Mormon for most of my life (I'm only 26) but still born and raised. Got out of it 3 years ago.

Now, I don't believe the Mormons would force their religion on anyone, I do believe that if Mitt Romney did become president, the religion would become highlighted much more and more people would become fascinated with exploring it. Then they would be brainwashed and convert. So yeah , I'm not voting for him either!

chefmom said...

Hannah: This just so bizarre!!! I agree with you, he wouldn't push it on people, but it will become much more prevelent and we don't need that!!